STEP AWAY FROM THE CATHETER

Have you ever heard of angiograms? What kind of fuckin sadistic lunatic dreamt that one up?

They whack a load of freezing cold jam on your crotch. Most of which splashes across your cods, resulting in third degree anger. Then they shove a bloody humongous pole into your vein, and ram it at speed up yer body and into yer heart. I kid you not....I've been there....Its a right bastard! Anyway, on the end of the pole is mounted a Hasselblad!!! Yes....Thats what I said. On the end of the pole is mounted a medium format camera! I expected John Cooper Clarke to be on the other end, but seeing as the poor bugger is dead, God bless his wee bum, I had to make do with Osama Bin Liner!

50 minutes they take. Mine took two and a half hours. They were prodding and poking, fiddling and fettling. I was going in and out of consciousness as chemical Ally kept whackin the old oxygen mask over my face to cries of, "He's going!"

After all this, a 15 year old consultant with terminal acne told me that all the arteries were either blocked or furring up at a rate of knots. "We will have to do a bypass." He said with a smile. If I wasnt held down with leather straps and steel bands, I'd have ripped his stupid pre pubescent throat out.

Next Ill tell you about the old bloke who came on the ward. I told him he looked well and he promptly died......I'm not to be trusted.




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