Cow Jokes: Duck Jokes (safe and clean)

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Sure fire signs that your cow has mad-cow disease...



Your cow insists on wearing a little A-1 sauce behind each ear as cologne.
.
She refuses to let you milk her, saying "Not on the first date."
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Your cow takes up painting and cuts off one of its ears.
.
Your cow gets a silicon implant for her udder.
.
Your cow appears on Oprah, claiming to be a horse trapped in a cow's body.
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Your cow demands to be branded with the 'Golden Archs Logo'.
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Your cow insists that all Hindus are sacred.
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Your cow insists evaporated milk comes from thirsty cows.
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Your cow quits the family dairy business and applies for a job at Burger King.
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She starts giving you Milk of Amnesia.
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Your cow joins the Hell's Angels because, hey, it already has a cool leather jacket.
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Your cow starts smoking its grass rather than eating it.
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Your cow spends half the day sitting in the Lotus Position chanting "MOO" backwards.
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Your cow insists that it can give you chocolate milk if you started feeding it Hershey bars.
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Your cow asks you to brand it again but only if you'll wear something sexy this time.
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Your cow purposely blinds itself with a dart and yells "Bullseye"!
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Your cow becomes a Muslim and asks to be called "LaCream Abdul Milkbar".
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Your cow insists Milk Duds are the result of stupid cows.
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Your cow starts laughing hysterically until milk spurts out its nose.
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You find your cow hiding secret plans to burn down half of Chicago.
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Your cow keeps wanting to chew other cows cuds.
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Your cow believes it could really jump over the moon like in the nursery rhyme if it had a really good run at it.


The duck


A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of lager and a ham sandwich. The landlord looks at him and says, "But you're a duck"

"I see you're eyes are working" replies the duck.

"And you talk!" exclaims the landlord.

"I see you're ears are working" says the duck, "now can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"

"Certainly," says the landlord, " sorry about that, it's just we don't get many talking ducks in this pub. What are you doing round this way?"

"I'm working on the building site across the road" explains the duck. So the duck drinks his beer, eats his sandwich and leaves. This continues for about 2 weeks. Then one day the circus comes to town.

The ring leader of the circus comes into the pub and the landlord says to him; "You're with the circus aren't you? I know this duck that would be just brilliant in your circus, he talks, drinks beer and everything!"

"Sounds marvellous" says the ringleader, "get him to give me a call."

So the next day, the duck comes into the pub. The landlord says, "Hey Mr Duck. I reckon I can line you up with a top job. Paying really good money!"

"Yeah?" says the duck, "Sounds great, where is it?"

"At the circus" says the landlord.

"The circus?" the duck enquires.

"That's right" replies the landlord.

"The circus? That place with the big tent? With all the animals? With the big canvas roof with the hole in the middle

"That's right!" says the landlord.

The duck looks confused. "What the fuck do they want with a plasterer?"

I don't half depend on
Google Pictures, Images and Photos

'Sean and Diffy Chronicles' I'm sure they will put a smile on your face...Very Rude!


Simply click on the title to read the story

:reading:


A Salty Dog (A day out on the canal turns nasty, but hilarious.)
:rofl:

The Christmas Train (Sean and Diffy cause mayhem on the kids annual outing)
:D

Sean's Interview (Our hero is determined 'NOT' to land that job.)
:giggle:

A Visit To Bolton Hospital (The medical profession isn't prepared for these two.)
:lol:

A Day in the Life (A typical day in the life of our two harmless idiots.)
:lmao:

They are only a five minute read. Go on...Have a laugh!

music Pictures, Images and Photos

Great music


Simply click on the band or artist to listen and view some great music
Run it as a tab to have access to great music....I do! :stereo:

:tunes:

Nick Drake........Hazey Jane 1

Elbow........One Day Like This.

JohnMartyn........Solid Air

Dire Straits........Sultans of Swing

A Perfect Circle........3 Libras

Tool........Schism

Primus........Wynona's Big Brown Beaver

Dweezil Zappa plays Frank........Camarillo Brillo

Victor Wooten........Norwegian Wood

Buzzcocks........Ever Fallen In Love

The Who........Won't Get Fooled Again

Arctic Monkeys........I Bet That You Look Good on the Dancefloor

Fairport Convention........Crazy Man Michael

AC/DC........Thunderstruck

Coldplay........The Scientist

Pearl Jam........Even Flow

Ian Brown........FEAR

Faithless........Mass Destruction

Primal Scream........Rocks

Kasabian........Clubfoot

Supergrass........Caught by the Fuzz

Jimi Hendrix........All Along the Watchtower

Pendulum........Blood Sugar

Prodigy........Firestarter

The Kinks........Victoria

Beth Orton........Central Reservation

The Nice........America

Jethro Tull........Living in the Past

Idlewild........A Modern Way of Letting You Go

Stereophonics........Mr Writer

King Crimson........21st Century Schizoid Man

XTC........Making Plans For Nigel

Pink Floyd........Shine On You Crazy Diamond

Motorhead........Ace of Spades

Happy Mondays........Kinky Afro LOL!...Gotta love 'Bez'

Stone Roses........Fools Gold

Pentangle........Light Flight

Small faces........Tin Soldier

The Verve........Bittersweet Symphony

Madness........One Step Beyond

The Clash........Rock the Casbah

Average White Band........Pick Up the Pieces

Metallica........Enter Sandman

Otis Redding........Sitting on the Dock of the Bay

UB40........The Way You Do The Things You Do

Groundhogs........Thank Christ for the bomb

Steely Dan........Kid Charlemagne

Seasick Steve........Started Out With Nothin'

Jeff Buckley........Hallelujah

Sex Pistols........Anarchy in the UK

Queens of the Stone Age........No One Knows

The Police........Roxanne

Richard Ashcroft........A Song for the Lovers

Joe Cocker........With a Little Help From My Friends

Paz Lenchantin........TV Snow..Drop dead gorgeous

Super Furry Animals........Rings Around the World

Ten Years After........Goin' Home

Slade........Cum on Feel the Noize

Nirvana........Smells Like Teen Spirit

John Petrucci........Glasgow Kiss

Roachford........Cuddly Toy

Nik Kershaw........Wouldn't it Be Good

Blur........Song 2

Allman Brothers........Jessica


Recent faves


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